We’re Getting Married!

JH proposed one sunny afternoon and I said yes. He called my parents to ask for their blessing, and they gave it to him. I’m in the midst of planning a wedding–something classy, efficient and spunky; I’ve never been the girly girl type. Both of our families are ecstatic and eager to know each other further. My mother is giddy every time she says “son-in-law.” My wedding planner is a Godsend. I’m not looking forward to trying on dresses (a football jersey would suit me just fine.) The guest list keeps growing. Surprisingly, JH and I agree on everything. JH’s mother is quite possibly more excited than I am. I’m trying to convince at least one of my male friends to be a bridesmaid (not having very much luck with that.) My brother will finally have a brother. We’ve decided to have a dual bachelor/bachelorette party. I’m getting married.

In the midst of everything, JH and I are humbled and in awe of the way God orchestrated our love story. We’re excited about getting hitched and the wedding day, but we’re more excited about the day after the wedding, and our ensuing journey as husband and wife. What I’m looking forward to the most is consecrating our love and commitment to each other before God and vowing to keep Him at the center of our marriage. We’re both excited to share this day with the ones we love the most.

JH’s two sons will be mini groomsmen in the ceremony. I love the boys dearly, and I am so grateful for my built-in family. I couldn’t ask for better stepsons. We’ve discussed maybe one day having children of our own, but I’m much too focused on completing my education and excelling in my field to give it much thought now. Either way, I’m perfectly content with the family I’ll be entering in a few months time. To get things started on the right foot, we’re starting premarital counseling through our church. Ever the researcher, I’m digging through books on maintaining a happy home and husband in efforts to be the best I can be for JH and the boys.

If you asked me a year ago if I thought I would be where I am today, I would have laughed. If you asked JH if he would get married again, he would have said no (having been burnt by marriage in the past.) I moved to Atlanta to pursue my MFA and that’s it. I never dreamed I would move down here, and meet my future husband on the very first day of school. I read a quote that said, “If you’re looking for the love of your life, stop. They will find you when you start doing the things you love.” Truer words have never been spoken. I’m working in a field that I love, getting a graduate degree in something I love, and I get to marry my best friend, and build an empire with him.

God truly answers prayers. He’s given me the strongest desire of my heart in abundance. He’s cleared a path for us both to take this next step together. Our future is so bright, with so much room for growth and new experiences, that it brings me to tears. I am greatly blessed. I am so proud of JH. I am deeply and profoundly joyful. My heart is wrapped in the true peace of my Heavenly Father and the bottomless well of love JH provides.

I’m looking forward to the many days to come.

 

A Prayer for Your Oppressor

You make it difficult for me to see good.
You bring forth sensations and emotions that have no positive bearing to my being.
You hurt.
You try to destroy.
You demean, belittle and antagonize.
You make me discard my true being and don a robe of discord.
You change me in areas I do not wish to be affected.

It’s so easy to hate you, but I am commanded to love you.
This is a prayer for you, my oppressor. 

I pray that you find peace when you are inclined to cause turmoil.
I pray that when strife arises in your heart, it would be soothed by a force currently unknown to you.

I hope for your prosperity, even though you pray for my downfall.
I stand before Him in your stead, and ask him for grace.

I ask for the Lord to  change me, so that I may look at you without allowing bitterness and hatred to fill my heart. It’d be too easy to ask for Him to change you.

I love you because I have to, but someday I hope it’s because your testing no longer tries my Truth. I pray that one day, instead of feeling the need to retaliate, I feel the need to intercede on your behalf.

I pray for you because it’s a prayer for myself — that I would be able to shine His light while navigating the dismal void of your darkness. I say this prayer for you, my oppressor, because I will not be overcome by your evil, but I will overcome your evil with His good.

Amen.

Romans 12:21
Isaiah 61

Happy New Year!

It’s been some time since I’ve updated this blog, so I think I’m long overdue for a new post.

Since my last entry, I’ve started working full-time at an Atlanta nonprofit organization that helps children facing serious illnesses, disabilities and other life challenges. I’m still pursuing my MFA degree full-time, however I’m giving some serious thought to switching from the Writing program to major in Film and Television. There’s more room for entrepreneurship/business ventures with a degree in Film & TV. I’m not terribly interested in client communications/PR firms and the like, so I think this transition will work well with some of my other long-term goals.

My end goal is to learn  across as many platforms as possible to create a niche market for myself with the experience/knowledge I gain along the way. It does me no good to keep treading on familiar territory. It’s a waste of time. It’s about weaving something so personal, so custom that the world has only a few subject matter experts with my professional DNA. I have the writing thing down (not to say I’m perfect – there’s always room for improvement – however, I have a multidisciplinary background in it already). It’s time to explore something new. I welcome the challenge.

In the midst of all this change and excitement, I’ve somehow managed to deepen my relationship with JH. He’s just as busy — if not more so — as I am with his career. We’ve taken a few mini vacations, the most recent of which was to Miami for his birthday (he’s a rabid Dolphins fan), and we’ve had a lot of opportunity for growth — individually and with each other. I went home to Maryland for part of the Christmas holiday, then came back to Atlanta to ring in the New Year with JH’s family and two sons.

Life has been wonderfully and beautifully full, but that doesn’t mean that it’s without problems. Problem number one: his vindictive ex-wife. From never-ending belittling text messages, to court orders, to sending a sheriff to the house under pretenses of “parental kidnapping” this woman won’t quit. She tried everything within her power to ruin JH’s holiday time with his sons and nearly succeeded. She’s attacked everyone in the household, myself included. She’s never had a conversation with me — has only seen me through the car window on a couple of occasions — but is content to lash out at anyone or anything that brings JH happiness and goes counter to her wishes. She’s implied things in messages meant to make me question JH and his character. Destruction is her M.O.

The crazy thing is,  all of this madness hasn’t done anything except strengthen our relationship and respect for each other, and has girded our resolve to stand up and fight for what is right. In her many efforts to strike fear into our hearts with threats of taking full custody and “my lawyer” this “contempt” that, our faith and conviction has only gotten stronger. Despite her attempts to cause angst, we find the ability to laugh loudly and often. We both falter and get frustrated, but one of us is always able to pick up the other and bring comfort. The thing that devastates the both of us is when she puts the children in the middle of her pettiness. There’s no excuse for behavior like that. There’s nothing correct or justified about it. The only thing JH and I can do is show the kids genuine love, patience and kindness while they are with us, and say prayers for the days when they aren’t within our reach. We remain steadfast and hopeful.

I love that man more and more each time I see his darling face, or hear him sniffling as he walks around the corner. The trials and tribulations, the distance, and the day-to-day craziness of life for two adults has enriched our relationship in ways I never expected. Although this is one of — if not THE —  most challenging relationship I’ve ever been in, oddly enough it’s also the most rewarding. 2014 is going to be a fantastic year for us. I’m excited to make things happen and see what blessings unfold.

Here’s to an exemplary 2014!!

Q&A

I’m a very logical and analytical person. I explore the world through observation, research, Q&A, and experiments before I consolidate my findings and draw a conclusion. Nothing escapes question or scrutiny. Algorithms are perpetually running in the background of my consciousness, and I act/react based off the sum totals of my analytics.

For the past 25 years this has worked very well for me. If you met me, I’d never come across as the inner control freak that I really am — hence the reason every number is crunched, each situation is exacted. Of course there have been plenty of times where I’ve ignored my findings, but after it all I can’t say that “I didn’t know any better.” At times, the analytics get so bad that I paralyze myself as I wait for the results to be sorted out. I’m incapable of making decisions and I angst and obsess as anxiety takes over. (If I ever seem a bit frazzled, it’s because my system is frozen.)

Then came JH, and he broke my system completely.

You can imagine the arguments this created. Me with my ever-questioning, scientific mind demanding concrete answers. JH, a man of faith and perception — one who can simply “feel” a situation and know it intrinsically without research, telling me “sometimes something just is.” If I didn’t love him, I would have strangled him in frustration. He couldn’t understand why I needed a crystal ball or why I was incapable of living without constantly looking at the statistics of my past or the experiences of other people. I couldn’t understand how he simply wouldn’t question some things.

Over the past five months, we’ve come a very long way. I think about my questions more carefully instead of peppering him with questions (interrogation style) to add some more variables to plug into my equations. He doesn’t fly off the handle when I seemingly cross-examine him, and he answers my questions to the best of his ability. He even throws in some tangible elements that I can stand on (I don’t do well with feeling-based decisions/decision making). We’ve managed to meet in the middle. We’re learning how to communicate. We’re growing individually, and together.

The other night, I asked him what it felt like to be in love. Then, I quickly vocalized that I doubted I’d ever been in love (the results of a recent research compilation) if I used the world’s definition or the definitions I’ve heard from others. I asked him how could he be sure. How anyone could be sure they were in love and not infatuated or some other close derivative of “love.”JH shook his head and smiled at me.

JH:Three years from now, you’ll still be saying: I still don’t know if I’m in love with you. I’ll just shake my head and laugh. You’re still here, Kay. You’re still here. As long as you’re here, I’m happy.

I haven’t laughed that hard in a while. He has me down pat.

I’m sure there will still be fantastic disagreements: when I ask the wrong question when his mind is tired, or when he shrugs off a question that is searing a hole into my brain. But we’re learning to laugh through our differences, and come back together after a lover’s quarrel instead of sitting in the corner arms crossed and pouting.

I’m looking forward to our continued growth. In the short time we’ve been dating, we challenge each other and encourage each other in equal measures. JH may not have all the answers to my questions, but I know that he is forever going to be a large part of my ultimate answer.

Have a blessed day, ya’ll!

Starting My Own Happily Ever After

I read a quote that said, “We waste time looking for the perfect lover instead of creating the perfect love.”

This is true on multiple accounts. It’s easy to get caught up checking a list to see if your love interest measures up or dismissing them if they are missing a few qualities or characteristics. We expect them to have it all together, even if we ourselves don’t. We get caught up in using the world’s measuring stick of what a “real man” should be, and forget that quality of soul has nothing to do with the kind of car you drive or what brand name clothing you wear. What’s truly difficult, is finding a person who makes you happy, respects you, and can grow with you, and then committing to creating a flourishing relationship with that person. Even if they don’t have it “all together.”

After much deliberation and internal angst (on my end), I decided to risk following my heart again. JH and I are officially dating. From outward appearances, it seems like we’ve been committed to each other all along. I was the one truly dragging my feet.

If you read my first blog, getting into a relationship was not on my list of things to accomplish. In fact, I made it a point to avoid interaction with men to spare myself the temptation. However, God has His way of doing things. He put this man directly in my path. Despite all of my best attempts to shake him loose, JH stayed and wouldn’t take my fearful “no” for an answer. He saw something bigger than the emotional baggage of a woman who had her heart broken many times. He was willing to get in the trenches of an over-analytical mind that works itself into knots. He was willing to hold me steady when insecurity, doubt and fear threatened to shake me to pieces.

A large part of my issues with relationships have come from my parents. They always told me I’m the “total package” and that I should never settle for less than what I’m worth. In an era of lost women who don’t know their worth, this is vital advice. However, it also gave me a complex where I dismissed or downplayed my own flaws as a human while I looked for the shortcomings in others. It made me measure up every guy I dated against the standards of my parents instead of what would be the best fit for me. I’d work myself up into a tizzy worrying about their approval and what they would say. Eventually that anxiety grew to the point where I’d try to angle and position my love interest in a way that would be pleasing to them instead of being honest. I’d hide all his flaws, and give them a polished impression of the man I was dating. If things went south, it appeared to be my fault because they knew nothing of the real person I was dating.

The obvious danger in this is, you could find the perfect person according to your parents’ standards, and be miserable for the rest of your days. Or, you could pass up on a soul mate because you’re afraid mommy dearest will be disappointed with you. While it’s wise to seek their counsel (especially if you know they merely want the best for you) ultimately you’re going to have to be with that person. If you’re a mature dater who knows what they truly want and need in a relationship, you do yourself (and your partner) a disservice when you try to validate your partner to others. Allow their character to speak for itself.

I’m breaking that cycle of thinking with JH. I’m not looking for validation. He doesn’t need it. He’s not dating my parents, he’s dating me. Although I’m their child, my needs and wants in a partner may deviate from what they envision for their “innocent” little girl. I’d love their blessing, and I believe that in time I’ll get it. He has such a beautiful, giving heart. His wisdom and depth of understanding leave me in awe. He manages to pull a smile out of me when I’m lost in my sourpuss attitudes. I feel like he does much more for me than I do for him. As a giver, it’s a beautiful thing to be in love with a giver. We pour into each other constantly. He demands better from me, and I demand better from him. Not from a selfish point of view, but because we can see the wonderful potential for greatness in each other.

I still have my occasional doubts and fears, but I’m not going to let fear of the unknown prevent me from investing in such a beautiful love affair. We have a long way to go as a couple and as individuals, but I’m confident that we’ll navigate the bumps in the road with plenty of laughter and love.

Love you, JH. Here’s to us.

Do You Really Need a Miracle?

I subscribe to Rick Warren’s devotional through Youversion (the Bible app). The other day, I read this:

“The first thing you need to do, if you’re going to ask God for a miracle, is to identify the problem. Every miracle begins with a problem. If you don’t have a problem, you don’t need a miracle.” (You can click the link to read the entire devotional.)

I read this, and was instantly convicted. I had to laugh at myself.

For the past few months of knowing JH — and being scared to death that I was/am falling into the very same habits I’ve been trying to break — I’ve been constantly asking the Lord to give me a spirit of discernment. Gone are the days of ignoring red flags and the things that make me squeamish (and trying to tough it out). Perish the thought of spending one second investing in a relationship God didn’t intend to make flourish. I’ve been praying for a sign of confirmation — something that would clear up this question, so I can put it behind me.

I’ve been praying for a miracle that would open up the heavens and show me that everything with JH will be okay…or not okay. I wanted a definitive “yes or no” answer to the question: Should I stay with JH or should I move on right now?

What I’ve actually been asking of God is for Him to be my crystal ball. I’ve been asking Him to tell me my future. My intentions were good in asking (Lord, I want to do your will), but my expectations of an immediate, concrete answer were horribly wrong. It is wrong of me to ask for a quick fix/solution for my comfort, instead of being patient, honest with myself, and honest with JH to determine if our friendship is strong enough to form a commitment.

This all ties back to two things, faith and trust. I have to trust in my own spirit and know that it will alert me if I’m in a place I’m not supposed to be. I have to have faith that God will speak to me should I stray from his path. I have to trust JH and stop actively looking for and expecting the red flags, the warning signs, the “oh no, I knew it was too good to be true” moments. I have to have faith in myself and accept the fact that what I need out of a relationship is a lot different from what others would imagine for me.

JH and I have had our situations, but none have been so bad that I knew I had to leave. He hasn’t touched any of my deal breakers, and I haven’t experienced that sinking feeling when you’re aware that something isn’t quite right with the person you’re dating. I’m learning to enjoy the research and the ride, instead of straining my eyes to see the destination.

I don’t need a miracle when it comes to JH. I don’t need divine revelation. What I need is patience and a heart dedicated to loving and serving the Lord. He will reveal things to me in His own time. So long as those two items stay at the top of my list, I have the tools I I need to navigate this beautiful place we call life.

Unsubscribe

JH’s sister sent this one word message in response to an email his ex circulated to friends and family:

Unsubscribe.

Short and sweet, but powerful. Sometimes saying less is saying more. Saying nothing at all can become the equivalent of yelling through a microphone.

To subscribe to something means you’re engaged with it. It means it matters enough to consume a piece of your time and energy while you review it. It means you value it in some way — and in turn that person/establishment is validated itself. They build a following, and they like the attention.

In the age of Facebook, Twitter and instant messaging/texting, any fool can create a large following/ruckus almost instantly by doing one of two things: Starting drama and telling lies. We’ve all seen this happen too many times. Sadly, in an era where many shout first and ask for facts later, rumors and gossip spread like a vicious wildfire, and innocent people are hurt in the turmoil. We all know at least one person who delights in talking about others — especially when it comes to detailing their misfortunes and validating their own existence.

Rise above engaging in their selfish behavior.

Don’t subscribe to people who don’t deserve your attention. By constantly downloading their chaos into your life, you’re unknowingly uploading negativity and frustration into your modus operandi. Before long — it may take a while — the behaviors and attitudes you’re reading about (subscribing to) will affect you. They will nag at you and create bitterness in your heart.

Unsubscribe from drama, childishness, gossip, lies, untruths, distortion of the facts, manipulation, anger, rebelliousness, disrespect, unkindness, hate-speak, slander, antagonism, pride, stubbornness and delighting in the pain of others (I think you get the point by now.)

When you do this — when their audience disappears and their stupid words fall on deaf ears — you diffuse a bomb that’s ticking in your life. They’ll realize that they aren’t important after all. This is more powerful than you think.

Subscribe instead to people who empower you, love you, build you up and reinforce a life of peace and productivity. Tongue waggers are time wasters.

Unsubscribe from the foolishness. Your life will be better for it.

Being the Bigger Person Sucks! (But We Have to Do it Anyway)

I love JH for his patience, kindness, ability to see the bigger picture when the rest of us are stumbling and cussing in a fog, and untiring optimism and positivity. In the face of many adversities, and scenarios that would break lesser people, he perseveres and walks with integrity. When he walks through a room, his faith is contagious, and he inspires everyone around him in some way. He is greatly blessed by God, although one would never think it if you used society’s measuring stick of material wealth, a six-figure salary, and unholy amounts of stock options. His soul and ability to reach others is worth so much more than anything that falls behind a dollar sign, regardless of how many zeroes it includes.

Then, there’s his ex-wife. Although I could fill a blog and then some about her illogical and tiring antics (ever desperate to frustrate him and wear him down) I’m not even going there. Over the past few months, I’ve watched and observed. I realize there are two sides to every story, and that I’ll never hear hers, so I tried to remain objective and uninvolved. It didn’t take long for me to realize that JH is definitely the victim in this situation. Yet, he attempts to treat the mother of his children with a level of respect she doesn’t comprehend, and certainly doesn’t deserve.

I’m fiercely loyal and protective of those I care for. I’ll go to battle to fend for a loved one much faster than I will against someone who offends me personally. Protector of the weak, defender of the strong, blah blah blah. JH has blown me away by his patience, love and forgiveness…his prayers for this woman who doesn’t believe in God yet quotes scripture to him when he’s “not acting right.” He’s rubbed off on me, and now I’m constantly looking for ways to temper her vitriol with kindness and humility. When we receive crazy messages (we’ve found that she only texts him crazy stuff when she’s bored and on the hunt for more souls to guzzle down), we work together to answer them. I reign in his passionate, gut-level anger about her constantly trying to break his place of peace despite his attempts to reconcile (rightly so), and he helps me communicate with and understand the woman he was with for ten years.

Yesterday, JH snapped. A series of text messages sent in a spirit of anger, frustration, fatigue, and soul weariness. Words of a person operating on her lower level. I’m not saying she didn’t deserve every last word of it (if it were me, I’d probably add a few more curse words), but I know JH is a better man than that. But, what should we do when we get tired of turning the other cheek? When we can’t bear the thought of forgiving for the 475th time (knowing that the Bible says forgive seventy x seven Matthew 18:22). When our positivity is broken by the negativity of one person trying to break you — a person you can’t easily separate yourself from?

There’s no easy answer to that, but we do know the Bible requires us to be relentless in our faith and love for others. As (insert an unpleasant adjective) as she is, she is still a child of God.

But you just said she doesn’t believe in God! Why should we love those who don’t love God or display a shred of decency?:

Because they are lost children of God. They are the sheep who have foolishly strayed from the Shepherd’s protection. They are trying the best way they know how to stay alive. It’s not our responsibility as other sheep to bring them back (especially the ones who piss us off). Only God can change someone’s heart, despite our prayers and concern. However, we must realize that we are in a position of power. We aren’t alone, we have those we love and trust. We have a connection with our Source, our divine creator. Would you curse a beggar? Would you snatch away the crutches of a cripple? In this same token, do not withhold your love (the true love of God residing in your heart) from those who need it the most. God’s love is powerful and awesome. If you allow it to consume every aspect of your being, there will be no room left for hatred and it will consume those around you. Perhaps you are the lantern, the vessel, through which God’s light can shine and bring home his lost sheep.

Be kind to unkind people. They need it the most.

They still frustrate the heck out of me! I’ve forgiven them, but they constantly wear me down…

Never said it was gonna easy, especially if you have to deal with said person on a daily basis. Doubly so if that person constantly seeks to undermine and discourage. Ever heard of the crabs in a barrel analogy? If one tries to climb up to the top (almost to freedom) the others will drag it back down in their own desperate attempt to free themselves. It’s a never-ending struggle. Sadly, it’s one in which humanity at large is constantly engaged. Let me deliver to you a piece of good news. With Jesus as our savior, we’re not even in the freaking barrel. They can’t drag you down unless you put yourself back on their playing field — unless you put yourself back in the barrel — and why the heck would you want to do that?

Living outside the barrel means you can see all the other crabs struggling and fighting against one another. As a follower of Christ, empathize with them because you were once in that predicament. Understand that they lash out because they are trying to protect themselves. They lash out against you in particular because the freedom and weightlessness they crave is being projected in your heart. If they can’t have it, they will try everything in their power to crush it out of you with vicious words and infected intentions made to make you sick.

So the next time that person tries to drag you down into a place of anger, despair, hatred, an argument, or tears, remember that they are in the barrel scrambling. Not you. You have been delivered from your bondage by the most high God. They desperately want the freedom and assurance you have in Him. They’re never going to find it through their own efforts to get out of the barrel — they have to put their full trust in Him. They don’t know the love and peace that stems from our Great Protector. Pray that they find it, and walk away from the barrel.

How can I be the bigger person without feeling like I’m being trampled on and taken advantage of?

With all due respect, what makes you better than the suffering Jesus Christ went through for our undeserving butts? Not too long ago (okay, way long ago) there was a man who walked in righteousness and truth, who loved all and sought to educate and set free. Unlike me, unlike JH, unlike any other human being on this earth, he DIDN’T mess up. He DIDN’T make any mistakes. Plenty grew to love him, quite a few more hated him. They cursed him, they discouraged him, they frustrated him, put him down, mocked him, angered him, belittled, plotted against, denied, sought his downfall, actively worked to make his life difficult, undermined his authority, spoke evil against him, spread lies and untruths, … (can you relate to any of this?)

God loved us so much that he gave his ONLY SON to save us. Jesus loved us SO MUCH that he DIED out of love for the very people who sought to destroy him. He could have said “screw this” at any time. He could have had a heavenly host of angels torch all his enemies, so when he died he only died for those he loved (and those who loved him.) There are a million things he could have done to prevent his own death, but he didn’t. He forgave us seventy x a million, billion, trillion and died for us to seal the deal. He never killed his tormentors, he never slapped them or summoned bears to maul them. He rebuked their lies with truth (not in a 5,000 word rant, but a brief statement), and went about his way. He knew his purpose was greater than the trifling people he had to deal with on the daily. He didn’t have time to pander to their foolishness or get caught up in an argument.

So once again, I ask: If Jesus sustained the hatred of thousands as the son of the most high God, and still walked in humility and love — what makes us think that we don’t “deserve” the trials and tribulations some seek to take us through? This is a cross we have to bear as his followers. You will be falsely persecuted, oppressed and plotted against. Just know that when the opposition is strongest, you’re that much closer to fulfilling your purpose. Don’t fall off the wagon and seek revenge or try to hurt them as they have hurt you. When the world is against you, you’re on the right track. Keep your eyes focused on the Lord, and walk by faith and not by sight (or the emotions others seek to incite in you.) Allow his love to wash over you, and leave puddles of his love to drink from for those who are yet unable to get it for themselves.

Be encouraged.

Hopefully, these words have helped. I know it certainly has helped me. JH has a long road ahead of him in dealing with his ex, but I have faith that he will continue to be better than his antagonizers. I know the Lord is doing a work in my heart through JH’s example. Together, and through Christ, we will weather the storm. Psalms 59 Have a blessed Sunday!

Some Quotes to Think About

Love those who don’t love you. When hate is directed toward you, repel it with love and use their hatred as motivation to show that tolerance, kindness, and acceptance are better ways to get ahead in this world.

Always choose to heal, not to hurt, to forgive not to despise, to persevere not to quit, to smile not to frown, and to love not to hate! At the end of life, what really matters is not what we bought, but what we built, not what we got, but what we shared, not our competence but our character, and not our success but our significance. Live a life that matters. Live a life that cares…

Reality Hues and Blues

Ever wake up walking on the ledge between happiness and despair?

You’d think there’s a wide margin between the two emotions. They are polar opposites after all. However, this is a very real issue to those who suffer from bipolar disorder.

Depression runs in my family, but I never really felt I was a depressed person. Seventy-five percent of the time, I’m an energetic, happy-go-lucky, poppy person, even if my life is in chaos. However, that remaining 25% consisted of a very dark place. It turns me into a totally different person, and the people who know me are left reeling and disoriented at this new person in their midst. This journey to a dark place is instant like teleportation and happens for no rhyme or reason. It’s a random lightning strike in broad daylight that fries any positivity in a second. Sometimes I can anticipate its arrival, but if I do I’m still powerless to prevent it.

When I was diagnosed with a mild form of bipolar disorder (no medication necessary unless I choose to take it), I felt a huge sense of relief. Finally, I had an answer for the abrupt turns from silly euphoria to beyond tears depression. There was a clinical definition for my condition. This meant that I wasn’t alone in the way I felt. However, others (particularly overly religious people around me — note I said religious not Godly) told me that there was nothing wrong with me. That I should have faith and pray those dark spells, my diagnosis, away. That I suffered because I had a lack of faith.

I agree to some extent. Part of my depression stemmed from feelings of complete and isolation. No one understood this pain. I should have prayed about this because God understands all. He created me. He knows the suffering in my heart, the whirlwind of my mind  and all of my internal battles. Even though I can’t figure it out, He probably knows the minutiae that sparks the downward spirals to my dark place.  However, for those who suffer from any form of mental disorder and are told to “pray it away” please listen to my words.

Don’t even begin to attempt to.

People who don’t suffer from bipolar disorder don’t understand. Especially if you can function and maintain a semi-happy façade through the day. By stopping medication, or denying that there’s a problem, or underestimating it, you could be doing more harm to yourself than good. You’re internalizing it again, and trying to take responsibility for something that is wildly out of your control. After all, if you could stop feeling this way, if you were capable of ripping yourself out of that black hole, you would. 

Don’t take those difficult times as a punishment for your lack of faith.

God knows what you’re going through, and is there through it all. By all means pray and seek His comfort. But while you’re navigating those dark places, don’t allow others to downplay or simplify its effect on your life. Praying helps me because I have someone to talk to who inherently understands. It lessens the weight, but sometimes it still persists. And that’s OK. I know that in due time, something will snap me out of it — an unexpected joke, a ray of sunshine, a good book. I know that God gives me these things. He knows just what it takes to liberate me out of the darkness. I could have watched a million comedies to no avail, but as soon as I step outside and see the beauty of God’s creation, my mood instantly shifts. The important thing is to never fear those dark spells, and to have faith that you will emerge from it. As long as you know this, and that you’re never alone, then you’ll have the strength to prevent those dark places from consuming you.

When I started this blog post today, I was in that dark place. I didn’t even feel like writing. But now, I feel a smile bubbling up from my heart. I’m still on that ledge, but in a few hours time (minutes if I’m lucky) I’m hopping off on the side labeled “Happiness.”

Be blessed today. Remember, no matter what your circumstance (internal, external, spiritual or otherwise) you’re never alone.

What is Art?

“Art doesn’t have to be painted or drawn. All it has to do is make a statement — even if the statement is nothing at all. Create in your most natural medium. A combination of dream, soul, mind, heart, the known and the imagined. Do this and you will be heard. Cr8.” – Me

I’m taking a contemporary art history class, and I’ve been exposed to artists and types of work I never knew existed. It’s a general education course for my major, and at first I wasn’t excited that this course was mandatory. Especially as a grad student. I’m not paying crazy money to take classes irrelevant to my major. However, from day one, I thoroughly enjoyed the class. I guess the curriculum developers here do know a thing or two.

From Jackson Pollock to Judy Chicago to Chuck Close and Faith Ringgold, I’ve seen a lot of art works. Some that resemble an epileptic fit of colors on a canvas, others thought out meticulously and created carefully. At some pieces I’m in awe — left dumbstruck from the amount of talent and creativity I’m seeing. Others are offensive (and I use that term loosely, these days every thing and anything will offend someone), while others yet are somewhat insulting to my intelligence (Andre Serrano’s Shit Series or Sherrie Levine’s “appropriated” art works). Others still make me want to do weird things in public for shock value in the name of art (Marina Ambramovic anyone?) All in all, the class constantly makes me ponder the question, “What is art?” I know I’m not the first to ask, and I certainly won’t be the last.

I’m a writer first and foremost, but I also dabble in drawing. I’ve filled my fair share of sketchbooks, and doodling is second nature when bored in class or on the telephone. Writing is a soulful exercise for me, and in some regards drawing is too (although I’ve done it less often over the years.) I usually draw to music that moves me. A guitar riff that lends itself to a character, a melody that belongs to a certain scene. Although most of my drawings are Japanese Anime style creations, I’ve had a desire to expand my artistic reach.

But where do you start? I’m unwilling to pay for formal training, and I’m not disciplined enough for self-study. For years I let my pens, inks, paints and sketchbooks collect dust because I was afraid to look juvenile or silly in the things I created. Contemporary Art History blasted that insecurity out of the water.

I realize that art has nothing to do with something looking a certain way. Heck, the stuff you create doesn’t even have to make sense. Sometimes, the creation of the work is the art itself…the end result is just something to look at. The class has liberated me from my preconceived notions of what “fine art” should be, and caused me to focus on the message in my mind and soul that I sought to convey instead of the medium or execution.

A plug was pulled — a blockage damming up my subconscious. The possibilities — once again — are truly endless.